And the bottom drops out...
In case anyone was wondering why I haven't posted in several days... I've been going through something with my family and it's just now that I can even find the words to expess it. My hubby wasn't very happy when I told him I was going to blog about it, he feels that it is a private family matter but he understood when I explained to him that you guys ARE "family" to me and I REALLY just need to vent, if you all don't mind.
This is probably going to get long, my apologies in advance.
Anyone who knows my son Austin, knows how emotionally charged he is, how easily frustrated and aggravated, how quick-tempered. This is the way he has always been, practically from birth. He is SUPER smart, has been in gifted math and language classes since age 6, and often his conversations with me go WAY over my head even! (and I consider myself to be an intelligent person!)
We have been having behavioral issues at school this year. Twice he has been suspended for fighting. Let me just stress that my child is NOT the bullying type! In fact, he had always been pretty docile until this school year. Finally, the principal referred us to the school counselor, who referred us to another local child counselor. He has had sessions with her every week for the past 5 months, working on anger management skills and exercises to help him keep control over his emotions and anger. Not that it has helped much, but he enjoys his sessions and it can't hurt, right?
Well, on Monday we had an appointment with a psych. (we had been referred from the counselor, to rule out or confirm a possible anxiety or mood disorder) After about an hour of questions and answers (I am still so proud of him for his honesty with her, he was even honest about the questions that even I would have maybe fibbed a little on) she finally came to her conclusion: my son has a mild case of Asperger's Syndrome.
When I heard that, I literally collapsed in tears right there in her office. I am still in denial. HOW could MY son have Asperger's? The first thing that popped into my mind when she said that was Autism, which after I calmed down a bit I was able to ask her about. Turns out that Asperger's is NOT a form of Autism, like I thought. She believes Austin will have a perfectly normal (even exceptional) academic career, it is just going to be in the social areas where he will struggle. He already struggles socially. I have made SO many excuses all his life for the way he is- "Oh, he's just a loner", "He's just too advanced to make friends his own age, he needs friends on his own wavelength", etc etc etc...
In a way it's a relief, at least it's not ME who has screwed him up. I have been thinking that as well- it must be ME, I must be doing something wrong as a parent, I'm too strict, I'm too lax, I'm too inconsistent, I don't pay him enough attention...blah, blah, blah.
But then I come back to my initial reaction to the news- and it feels like someone is crushing my chest with a brick. What does this all mean for his future? Will he become labeled at school as "special needs"? He is definitely NOT mentally challeged. At all. I hope his teachers can see past the label and see the wonderful kid underneath. The kid I have known all along.
I guess all we can do is accept this and move on. HE hasn't changed. But I feel like I look at him through different eyes. And THAT'S what hurts me the most.
